


Clotho

by Wh1teOw1



Series: The Moirai Saga [2]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Adventure, Book: New Moon, F/M, Romance, Superpowers, fight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:13:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27887356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wh1teOw1/pseuds/Wh1teOw1
Summary: The second installment in The Moirai Saga! What would you do when your world caught fire? Who would you turn to? What would you do to save your family, your life, your love? What would you sacrifice? Your future is in your hands. Who will you choose to become?
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Original Female Character(s), Jacob Black/Original Female Character(s)
Series: The Moirai Saga [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023255
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	1. The Bell Tolls

I knew I was dreaming.

One, I was in the middle of the woods, alone, at night. Two, I wore a simple black slip, and nothing else. I was confused for a moment as I took in my surroundings.

I stood barefoot on a gravel path. I didn't know which direction I'd come from, neither was obvious. I looked to my left, on that side of the path, it was jet black. Unnervingly black. Like the forest just opened into a void. On my right, I saw only a silvery mist, it still obstructed the majority of the small opening in the trees.

Something in my gut told me I needed to choose a direction, and I frowned, curling my feet in the dirt, feeling it crunch under my toes. I faced forward then, where there was no path, only a wall of deep, evergreen forest that seemed to tower for miles and stretch far past the horizon. My head buzzed, and without a second thought, I tore into the forest, ignoring the paths entirely.

My bare feet thudded on the packed earth as I dodged trees and under hanging moss, my lungs burned as I did. I heard something above me, above the canopy, a loud bell, as though from the tower of a church or clock. It tolled at a far distance at first, but seemed to be growing closer as I ran.

Then, snarling.

I looked behind me, terrified, a pack of massive black dogs, snarling and drooling, were chasing me now. Their heavy feet sounded like the gallop of horses as I tried to run faster.

Without warning, the trees ended and the earth dropped into a cliff, I couldn't stop, throwing myself off the edge and plummeting into the dark, churning water below. I hit the water, and tried to swim up. To break the surface to breathe. I felt an icy hand grip my ankle, and looked down.

A moon pale arm had lurched up from the clouded ocean floor, I could see nothing else, but more hands followed. My ankles, my calves, my feet, my dress. I tried to kick frantically, but they were dragging me down.

My arms, my shoulders, my throat.

I was being swallowed whole. The last glimmer of light from the surface of the water flickering out like a candle flame.

There was nothing.

I shrieked, bolting up in bed as though I'd been electrocuted, panting as though I'd actually been running. There was a knock at my window that sent me sprawling out of my bed in terror, grabbing for the taser I now kept under my pillow. I aimed it at the window, eyes wide, prepared to start screaming.

But I recognized the wide, anxious gold eyes behind the glass now, Edwards face desperately scanning my room for any sign of danger. I almost fell over when the relief hit me, I shoved my taser back under my pillow and scrambled for the window, shoving it up and letting him in.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it was a nightmare…" I exhaled as he took me into his arms and cradled me close, protective.

"I shouldn't have left, you were sleeping so soundly…" His voice was regretful, and he lifted me and carried me back to bed. His cool skin felt fantastic against my overheated body, and I hummed a little in relief as he curled up with me.

"No, love, you couldn't have known...just...stay now, alright?"

"I'm not going anywhere…" His hands stroked my hair, my back, my face, further calming my racing pulse.

"...What did you have a nightmare about?" he asked quietly after several moments, feeling me relax.

"I'm...not sure… I remember...bells...dogs, and...drowning." I mumbled, nosing harder into his collarbone.

"Seems a little on the nose." I snorted. "Black dogs and "for whom does the bell toll." I need to stop reading my Edgar Allen Poe anthology before bed.

Grumbling, I was able to fully relax into his firm arms, feeling his lips press to the crown of my head. I was still not used to this man shirtless I realized, placing my cheek to his broad chest, hearing his odd, sluggish pulse as I settled back in. It brought me comfort now, a reminder that I was safe, that he was here.

"That sounds like a wise idea." He murmured, but I was already drifting again, only catching the first few bars of my lullabye before I fell into the unconsciousness again.

The next time I woke was far less dramatic. Edward had remained in my bed, and I felt my heart flutter happily as I realized. I gently placed sleepy kisses to his collarbone and throat, feeling his adams apple jump and his chest reverberate as he chuckled low.

"Well good morning." He crooned, leaning his head down to catch my lips with his, both of us nearly sighing into it.

"G'mornin…" I hummed happily, giving him a gentle butterfly kiss before stretching and yawning, moving to sit up. Sleeping in was incredibly nice, and I was still basking in the joy of feeling rested when I felt Edward sit up behind me. He placed his chest flush to my back, legs stretching out on either side of me, his chin resting on the top of my head.

It took me less than a moment to see his large, pale hand holding something black and square in front of me, a small gold bow in the corner. His other arm tightened around my waist, moving to place his lips against the shell of my ear as he murmured.

"Happy Birthday, my love."

I huffed, I had distinctly asked for no gifts, but of course he would ignore that. I carefully tipped my head back, so I wouldn't bonk him in the nose, looking at him upside down with what I hoped still came off as a glare.

"I told you not to do this." I pouted, but he could only grin.

"It would bring me incredible pleasure if you would open it, and euphoria if you actually wore it." He gave me the hopeful, sweet voice he knew always made me cave into whatever he wanted, and I sighed, taking the box in his hand to open it and see what was inside. I sputtered when I did.

Inside, on a black velvet cushion, was a gold pendant. It was about as large as the nail on my index finger, but so incredibly detailed in its craftsmanship. It shaped into a delicate, eight pointed star, the points were each set with what looked to be tiny diamonds. At the stars center, sat the most incredible white opal I had ever seen, casting a thousand different hues in the pale light from my window. I couldn't speak for a full minute, just shifting the piece in its box, unable to imagine owning a piece of jewelry that wasn't from Forever 21 or Shein. The chain was connected to the left and right points, from behind, so the star would sit flat on the wearers decolletage.

"...Edward...I adore you, this is way too much." He laughed, taking the box from me and carefully pulling the chain from the small protective bag. He unclasped it and pulled it around my throat, carefully clipping it at the proper length.

"Like I said, euphoria…" He murmured into my ear. I fingered the pendant gently, tipping my head back to give him a look, but he didn't falter, knowing I wasn't going to resist something so sweet, so him.

"It's beautiful, I love it. Thank you." I murmured finally, unable to help but smile when he kissed me with what was nearly glee.

"I'm glad you were willing to accept this, because Alice has much more involved plans." He chuckled then and I pulled back, horror in my face.  
"Oh christ, how bad is it?"

He could only laugh at my fear, pressing more cool kisses to my cheek.

"You'll find out soon enough, I will give you a hint, it is family only." That made me relax a smidge, and I sighed into a whine.

"Is she gonna glue shit to my eyelids again?"

"Almost certainly."

I groaned.

"In the meantime however, I believe my human should have some coffee." I gasped and almost clapped, overjoyed by the word coffee. He swept me up, kissing my forehead and hauling me into the apartment kitchen. I suddenly realized he'd put on a shirt at some point and sighed unhappily, before I heard my brother in the kitchen, and remembered he existed.

"Gooooood morning birthday girl!" He was always so peppy, and I gave him a grimace.

"She's beauty, she's grace-"

"She'll punch you in the face." I finished, sticking my tongue out at him as Edward sat me down and leaned against the counter in the tiny kitchen, murmuring a thank you as he took my mug of fresh coffee from Kain to bring to me, chuckling as I made grabby hands at it.

Kain set some gaudily wrapped pink package in front of me, covered in ribbon and all kinds of other sparkly nonsense, and beamed.

"Open it, no whining or I'll tell Edward about that year at french camp when you-"

"AH! OI! Okay I'm opening it!" I grabbed at the box to shut him up, feeling myself blush.

"Mom, Dad and I all coordinated on it, since it's the last summer before your senior year."

I tore at the wrapping paper, pulling out the box inside and lifting the lid. Inside sat an Instamax camera, a photo album, a camera cover, and several photo refill packets. I perked at that, pulling it out and looking it over. "Oh! Kain! This is actually awesome! And wicked cute…" I turned it over in my hands, fiddling with some things, finding the compartment to insert the photo paper. I didn't waste any time on that one, interested to see a photo develop.

I lifted it then, facing it towards Edward and my brother, grinning.

"Inaugural photo! Smile dorks!" Kain posed, and Edward laughed as I snapped it. I heard the camera hum and then watched it carefully dispense the developing image. I pulled it out and shook it in the air, Edward coming behind me to see too. I perked when Kain grabbed the camera then, pointing it at Edward and I.

"Ok you lame monogamous lovebirds, smile!"

"Oh god- Kain I haven't even brushed my hair!" But it was too late, Edward held my shoulder and pressed his cheek against my temple when the shutter clicked, and I heard the camera printing.

"God I don't wanna see that one, I'm gonna look like a hagraven."

"Oh shut up it's for you anyway." I let him hand me that one too, and watched as they developed. They actually both had turned out rather cute, and I smiled. Edward looked so happy in both of them, so wonderful, mussed and dressed down, looking at peace. I carefully stood to pull a pen out of the junk drawer and write the date on the back,

"Edward and Kain, morning shenanigans."

"Edward and I, birthday."

I slipped them both into the new photobook and smiled, then set it down and padded over to my brother to hug him, playfully exhaling my morning breath at his face, which he cringed away from and whined about, but hugged me back tightly, squeezing me and throwing me around like a doll while I laughed, before setting me down to further fuck up my hair.

"Now go drink your coffee! You gotta get ready for brunch like, a half hour ago."

"Oh shit-" I scalded my mouth as I gulped down my coffee, checking the time, running to the bathroom to shower.

In the hot water, I considered my birthday, scrubbing my hair at the roots. I was now the same age Edward was when he'd...been saved. I recalled our conversation at the Hotel in Chicago.

I knew at some point, I wanted to be changed, I wanted to be able to follow Edward, love him for as long as he lived. But there were so many things to consider. I was glad I didn't have to worry about children, or any biological clock. But my family, my friends, my future. I wasn't terrified of the idea of being older than him, I looked young for my age, and I was going to use that fact for as long as possible. I wanted to at least complete the degree I had been working my whole life for before I would have to say goodbye to a human life.

He was determined not to talk about it, so I didn't press yet, but I was only biding my time until the correct moment. I finished rinsing out my conditioner and stepped out, blow drying my hair and applying my makeup.

Edward was freshened up when I finally got back to my room, still needing to choose an outfit. I dropped my towel beside Edward on the bed, already in my bra and underwear as I grumbled and hunted in my closet. I decided on an easy cotton sundress, stepping over to my mirror. I paused a moment, seeing Edward watching me in the reflection. His mouth was taught, expression upset. I followed his eyes to the puckered scar that carved a jagged line under my ribcage and frowned, covering it with my hand.

"Hey, stop it. I know that face and it's healing fine." I pulled the sundress over my head, going to climb into his lap to attempt to kiss the offending expression off his face. He couldn't help but laugh after a moment, curling his arms around my waist to bury his nose into the crook of my neck.

"Yes, ma'am." he sighed, then suddenly stood fluidly, me still in his arms. "Now finish getting dressed before we're late."

"You know I'd never thought I'd be glad that it was cloudy on my birthday." I chuckled, getting the rest of my outfit on and swiping on some mascara. He grabbed my hand with a grin and pressed a kiss to my cheek. I had picked a dress with a lower neckline to show off his gift.

We made it to brunch a little late, Edward holding the door to the restaurant for me. Jessica waved excitedly and I jogged over, getting a crowd of hugs and happy birthdays from my friends. Alice had gotten the reservations, sitting on the other side of me from Edward with Jasper. Jess, Angela and Becca, even Jacob came, looking a little uncomfortable but giving me a hearty squeeze when he saw me. I hadn't realized that he'd shot up since I'd last seen him, and filled out.

"Jesus Jacob! You know Anabolic steroids and HGH are really bad for you." I laughed up at him, and he ruffled my hair, flexing playfully.

"Awh! C'mon, I am "au-naturale!" I laughed with him and sat down finally, the group chattering happily, already the mimosas were flowing.

"Okay, okay, gift time!" Angela cheered and I whined anxiously.

"Guys what? No!"

"Oh shut up we all pitched in for it. Now open it and like it." she pushed a package wrapped in a purple kitten pattern, and I sighed, pulling it to me. I pulled off the wrap and swung open the box, a laugh bursting out of my chest as I understood what it was.

"Okay yeah, this is pretty great." I pulled out the sweater, stitched with the words "I see dead people" on the front.

"We figured it could also be a congratulations for getting that internship at the new Medical Examiners office this summer!" Jess beamed, clapping happily as I held it up to my chest and showed Edward.

"I love it guys, thank you so much." I gave them all a big grin, and perked when Jacob cleared his throat, approaching me.

"I got you this. It's a St. Raphael Medal. He's the patron saint of Physicians and health stuff, so." He blushed as he held out the little cardboard box, pushing his hair out of his face.

I opened it carefully, smiling at the little gold medallion on a chain.

"Thank you Jacob, this is lovely." I stood and hugged him, touched by the sweet gesture. Edward seemed tense when I sat back down, holding the pendant out to him.

"Could you put this on me too?" I asked, squeezing his knee gently. He was a little pouty, but did so when I pressed a kiss to his cheek. The medallion hung about two inches lower than Edwards necklace, in all honesty they looked good together.

"I hope you're not all gifted out now, cause you still have to come over for a party tonight." Alice tried to sound innocent, but I nearly choked on my mimosa.

"No, Alice, no parties, come on-"

"I already picked out your outfit and you're going to love it!" She spoke over me, prim and smiling. I looked to Edward then, desperate for his help.

"Don't look at me, my love, I'll protect you from anything but my sister. You're on your own with her." He laughed, sitting back in his chair. I felt myself relax and become a little excited. Rethinking my hasty reaction I sighed.

"Alright, Alice, just, nothing too nuts okay?" She just beamed at me, Jasper looking far too innocent beside her as I felt the sudden relief ebb and fade now.

"...Ok that is not fair, Jasper." I growled, and saw him snicker.

Brunch after that went incredibly well, everyone laughing and chatting about the end of the semester and the beginning of our "final" summer of our first degrees.

After brunch, Edward took me to the Cullen home, the ride over quiet and comfortable, Edwards cold hand in mine, his thumb stroking over the back of my knuckles, my hand. I looked over at him, relaxed by his relatively peaceful expression.

We were pulling up to the house now. Bright light shined from every window on the first two floors. A long line of glowing Japanese lanterns hung from the porch eaves, reflecting a soft radiance on the huge cedars that surrounded the house. Big bowls of flowers—pink roses—lined the wide stairs up to the front doors.

"Oh good lord, Alice." I raised my eyebrows in exasperation, laughing.

Edward grinned, looking over to me and squeezing my hand.

"This is a party," he reminded me. "Try to be a good sport."

"I'm only doing this for Alice." I looked over at him, grimacing as the fairy lights increased and lit up the front porch.

He came around to get my door, and offered me his hand.

Alice greeted us at the front door, immediately snatching me and zipping me upstairs. I yelped at the sudden movement, but Alice was already setting me on my feet in Edwards bedroom, facing away from the door.

"Put on the dress on the bed, no bitching. Happy birthday!" She kissed my cheek and zipped back out, and I made some kind of disgruntled sound of agreement that Edward laughed at. I shook off the shock of being suddenly displaced in space and time, turning back to him and thinking about changing.

"Wanna help me get changed?" I gave him the most innocent look I could, and it was his turn to look chagrined, coming up behind me to kiss my head.

"Just changed. We're still on Alice's schedule." He scolded, and I rolled my eyes, moving to the bed to see what Alice would be trapping me in for the night. I opened the box, gasping out a choked sound in shock, it startled Edward enough that he came to my side with concern and fear in his eyes.

I picked up the soft black fabric, lifting it carefully out of the box. At first I thought it was the dress I'd worn on my date with Edward, and was going to give Alice a tonguelashing. But I noticed the tag and felt my eyes water.

Made with love by Alice Cullen.

"She made this…" I whimpered, my heart full as I hugged it to my chest, looking up at Edward. He relaxed immediately, sitting on the bed.

"She loves to sew when she can, and she knew you would be upset if she just gifted you the other dress." I nodded and choked out another little touched whimper, moving to pull off my sundress and get the other one on, letting Edward button me in. It was flawlessly fitted, perfect to my measurements. And Edward and Jakes necklaces sat perfectly in the sweetheart neckline.

I stepped back and gave Edward a little twirl, and his smile was warm, pulling me into his arms.

"Stunning, as always." He tipped my chin up to press his lips to mine, and I melted.

He didn't let me melt for long. Making me slip my heels on and moving to the door once I nodded that I was ready. He walked us through his upstairs, viewing the paintings that I now knew well. I stopped in front of the one that depicted Carlisle and the other Night Patrons of the Arts, as Edward had once called them.

"You said they were still around, right? What do they call themselves now?" He paused beside me, stroking my hair.

"They're known as the Volturi today."

Though the painting was centuries old, Carlisle—the raven angel—remained unchanged. And I remembered the three others, Carlisle's early acquaintances. Edward had never used the name Volturi for the beautiful trio, two black-haired, one snow white. He'd called them Aro, Caius, and Marcus from what I could remember.

"Are they truly as powerful today?" I looked back to him, curious.

"Yes, I suppose you could call them the FBI of our kind. The police, they work to keep our secrets hidden. You don't irritate the Volturi, Not unless you want to die—or whatever it is we do." His voice was so calm, it made him sound almost bored by the prospect.

I shuddered slightly, looking up at him.

"Let's not irritate them, then, alright?" I pat his hand, leaning into him. I couldn't shake the sudden anxiety that gripped my chest, or explain it, but I tucked myself close to his side for comfort.

"Let's. Now, I can hear Alice, it's time to make your debut." He kissed my head, escorting me downstairs on his arm.

They were all waiting in the huge white living room; when I walked through the door, they greeted me with a loud chorus of "Happy birthday, Eva!" while I blushed and looked down. Alice, I assumed, had covered every flat surface with pink candles and dozens of crystal bowls filled with hundreds of roses.

There was a table with a white cloth draped over it next to Edward's grand piano, holding a pink birthday cake, more roses, a stack of glass plates, and a small pile of silver-wrapped presents.

It was a hundred times worse than I'd imagined.

Edward, sensing my distress, wrapped an encouraging arm around my waist and laughed quietly.

Edward's parents, Carlisle and Esme—impossibly youthful and lovely as ever—were the closest to the stairs. Carlisle put his arm around my shoulders.

"Sorry about this, Eva," he stage-whispered. "We couldn't rein Alice in."

"As if that's even possible," Esme laughed, gently hugging me and kissing my forehead, her caramel hair brushing my cheek softly. I had to laugh at that, hugging her back.

Rosalie and Emmett stood behind them. Rosalie didn't smile, but at least she didn't glare. Emmett's face was stretched into a huge grin. It had been months since I'd seen them; I'd forgotten how gloriously beautiful Rosalie was—it almost hurt to look at her. And Emmett looked bigger than I remembered.

"You haven't changed at all," Emmett said with mock disappointment. "I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always."

"Were you expecting me to sprout greys overnight?" I teased back, shaking out my head to show him my markedly grey free hair.

He laughed, "I have to step out for a second"—he paused to wink conspicuously at Alice—"Don't do anything funny while I'm gone."

"I'll try."

Alice let go of Jasper's hand and skipped forward, all her teeth sparkling in the bright light. Jasper smiled, too, but kept his distance. He leaned, long and blond, against the post at the foot of the stairs.

During the days we'd had to spend cooped up together in LA, I'd thought he'd gotten over his aversion to me. But he'd gone back to exactly how he'd acted before—avoiding me as much as possible—the moment he was free from that temporary obligation to protect me. I knew it wasn't personal, just a precaution, and I tried not to be overly sensitive about it. Jasper had more trouble sticking to the Cullens' diet than the rest of them; the scent of human blood was much harder for him to resist than the others—he hadn't been trying as long.

"Time to open presents," Alice declared. She put her cool hand under my elbow and towed me to the table with the cake and the shiny packages.

I put on my best martyr face. "Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything—"

"But I didn't listen," she interrupted, smug. "Open it." She took the camera from my hands and replaced it with a big, square silver box.

The box was so light that it felt empty. The tag on top said that it was from Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper.

I tore the paper off and then stared at the box it concealed.

It was something electrical, a box with a screen, what looked like speakers, declaring something in German.

"Um… thanks?"

Rosalie actually cracked a smile. Jasper laughed. "It's a stereo for your truck," he explained. "Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."

Alice was always one step ahead of me. "Oh guys, that's actually awesome, Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," I told them, grinning as I remembered Edward's complaints about my radio this afternoon—all a setup, apparently.

"Thanks, Emmett!" I called more loudly.

"IT'S GOT BLUETOOTH!" He yelled back like an excited puppy, and I heard his booming laugh from my truck, and I couldn't help laughing, too.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice said, so excited her voice was a high-pitched trill. She held a small, flat square in her hand.

I turned to give Edward a basilisk glare. "You already gave me your present."

Before he could answer, Emmett bounded through the door. "Just in time!" he crowed. He pushed in behind Jasper, who had also drifted closer than usual to get a good look. They shoved eachother a couple times, grunting.

"Oi, no fistfights during the party dorks. I'll play ref later." I laughed, relaxing again.

"This better be more for you all than me, I'm going to get spoiled."

The two brothers froze and then turned around again, mock serious, making me laugh again.

I turned to Edward again, not letting him off the hook.

"I didn't spend a dime," he assured me, brushing a strand of hair from my face. I shivered slightly, but smiled slightly and rolled my eyes.

"Give it to me," I sighed.

Emmett chuckled with delight.

I took the little package, carefully tearing off the paper to reveal a usb stick with a bow on it.

"I recorded some of my piano for you, it's all in MP3's." He was beaming, stroking my hair off the back of my neck to pull me closer by my shoulders.

I was resisting the urge to tear up again, feeling myself flush bright. Esme cooed happily, and she was right, it really was adorable. I turned to face him and stood on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek and hug him around the neck, doing the same for Alice before I tucked myself back into Edwards arm.

"I love it, it's perfect." I sniffled and dabbed at my eye with my fingertip, trying not to smear my makeup. I looked over to the table that still had several boxes on it, and Alice tsked me and shoved me to the couch, the family all sitting with me and making me open them one by one. Emmett and Jasper hadn't just gotten me a new stereo, but a beautiful white Midi keyboard, stereo headphones, soundproofing tiles and a new, stereo quality microphone. They were nearly as excited about the setup as I was, pointing out features of the equipment on the boxes excitedly with me. I was honestly jazzed, I'd always wanted to play with a midi keyboard and make remixes, so I was ecstatic to get the chance.

"You guys have to help me set it up with my Mac, I have Garageband already, should I look into getting a pair of high end speakers, a converter maybe?" We chatted for a moment, and then I recieved another small package.

"This one's from Carlisle and Esme."

I gave them a smile, of course them too. I opened it and blinked at the three pieces of paper.

"Oh! They're flight vouchers!" One to Orlando, one to LA and one to New York.

"New york?" I questioned, looking to them, Carlisle grinned then, his eyes gleaming.

"The largest and most impressively run Body Farm is run in New York. I thought you'd like to go see it at some point." I almost bounced with excitement, my smile absolutely genuine.

"Are you serious?! That's so awesome Carlisle, thank you! Thank you both! I'll get to go visit my dad too!" I was overjoyed at the idea.

Edward started laughing earnestly, the goofy edge to it that always made me warm had me giggling too.

"What?"

"Go figure, my girlfriend, as excited to see rotting corpses as she is to play with garageband."

"I can't help loving my work." I grinned at him, hoping it was mildly creepy.

"The tickets count for three adults each, we figured you could take your brother and Edward." Esme beamed, extremely pleased her gift was so well recieved.

"It's perfect, thank you both again."

Alice cut the cake and brought me a slice, it was a little uncomfortable to be eating alone, but got over it quickly, the cake was delicious. We all talked and relaxed. Alice would stand every once in a while and take a photo, always a perfect Candid shot of the family and I. Edward picked the music, sub-low beats to study too was the vibe, and it made everything feel a little less intense. When I saw Esme collecting my dishes and head into the kitchen, I perked, following after. She was running the sink, filling it with hot soapy water.

"No! Esme please, let me get that, I'm the only one making dishes after all, and it would make me feel better with how spoiled I've been today." I gently touched her arm and reached into the hot soapy water to grab the next dish. I playfully bumped her with my hip when she protested, and it was like bumping my hip into a cement wall, but it made her giggle.

"Fine, fine, I'll dry."

I'd forgotten that dish rules, like don't put knives in a soapy sink, wouldn't apply to people like vampires.

The slice was sudden and unpainful at first, but I knew it had happened, instinctually yanking my hand out of the water and grabbing it with a curse.

"Shit! ow! Oh god okay do you guys have a first aid kit-" I was putting pressure on the wound, a long, deep slice on the heel of my left hand. It looked like it might need stitches. I was concerned about it being dirty, turning the sink onto lukewarm to run the wound under the tap. It wasn't until I turned to the room I realized a hush had fallen over the entire family.

I froze, my hackles raising as I heard a low growl behind me, my uninjured hand going to cover my wound tightly as I met the eyes of seven bloodthirsty vampires.


	2. The Spindle

Everything happened so fast. 

I barely registered the sequence of events, Edward was suddenly beside me, and I felt his cold forearm connect with my stomach and send me flying backwards into the wall. Just as Jasper, snarling and wideyed, crashed into the countertop and sink where I’d been standing with a thunderous sound. My back hit the drywall hard enough to put a hole into it, and I bounced forward to the floor, the wind knocked out of me, a searing pain just under my left lung making me gasp. 

I coughed hard, choking on something fluid that was suddenly in my airway, spattering red across the kitchen tile. I gripped my right hand over my scar, trying to catch my breath. 

I heard Edward and Jasper scuffle, but couldn’t quite focus, Alice yelling, Emmett swearing. I looked up at Esme who was covering her nose and mouth.

Carlisle remained incredibly calm, centuries of experience in the emergency room were evident in his quiet, authoritative voice.

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside."

Unsmiling for once, Emmett nodded. "Come on, Jasper."

Jasper struggled against Emmett's unbreakable grasp, twisting around, reaching toward his brother with his bared teeth, his eyes still past reason.

Edward's face was whiter than bone as he wheeled to crouch over me, taking a clearly defensive position. A low warning growl slid from between his clenched teeth. I could tell that he wasn't breathing.

Rosalie, her divine face strangely smug, stepped in front of Jasper-- keeping a careful distance from his teeth-- and helped Emmett wrestle him through the glass door that Esme held open, one hand pressed over her mouth and nose.

Esme's heart-shaped face was ashamed. "I'm so sorry, Eva," she cried as she followed the others into the yard.

"Let me by, Edward," Carlisle murmured.

A second passed, and then Edward nodded slowly and relaxed his stance.

Carlisle was at my side when he saw my distress. He leaned me back into the wall, and I saw Edwards wide, wild eyes trying to see me around his father. I winced and used my left hand to finger spell “No, tell, E”

“I’m fine.” The words were excruciating, my breathing felt like tiny knives stabbing into my lung every time I inhaled, like my rib cage was an Iron Maiden. I made eye contact with Carlisle as he went to pick me up, forcing myself to stand slowly, gritting my teeth. 

“I’ll take her to my office to get this stitched up, Edward, go find Jasper. He’s likely very upset with himself and you’re the only one he’s likely to listen to right now.”

He helped me upstairs and into his office, where I let myself be in pain again, laid down on the chaise lounge. Carlisle went to his warehouse of an office closet and wheeled out a small cart, and I tried to identify it.

‘Ultrasound?’ I signed, and he nodded. 

“To make sure you didn’t tear anything back open.” He murmured and I nodded, taking the gauze pads he handed me and applying them to my cut palm. It still hurt more to talk. 

“When did you learn ASL?” Carlisle asked as he prepped the machine, carefully undoing my dress and laying a sheet over me in one deft motion, covering me but allowing him to apply the cold gel to my upper abdomen. 

‘As a kid, for my personal education classes.’ I signed, grimacing at the chill, but holding still as Carlisle applied the wand. 

‘I seem to attract incidents like shit attracts flies.’ I groused as a follow up, looking at the little screen myself to see any new damage to the scar tissue and sutures still healing inside of me. 

Carlisle gave a sad chuckle, pausing when he found the bleed.

“Looks like the scar tissue tore, a little bit on your lung. Not enough for a hospital visit, but breathing is going to hurt for a few days.” 

‘not my first time.’ I signed, relaxing, watching him take my hand now. I had to look away as he injected the painkiller, though it erased the sting, it reminded me of the gash, and I watched Carlisle's face carefully to distract me from what his hands were doing. His hair gleamed a deep mahogany in the bright light as he bent over my arm. I could feel the faint stirrings of unease in the pit of my stomach, but ever since the cathedral, I was nowhere near as squeamish around blood or injury. There was no pain now, just a gentle tugging sensation that I tried to ignore. 

His relaxed calm was only more amazing set in direct contrast with everyone else's reaction. I couldn't find any trace of anxiety in his face. He worked with quick, sure movements. The only sound besides our quiet breathing was the soft tinkling of rain on the windows. 

He piled the gauze into a glass dish, sitting beside me to sterilize and stitch up the cut, moving faster and more perfectly than I’d seen any surgeon move in the past. He wrapped it then, giving it a gentle pat.

“There, that should hold it.”

‘How are you able to be so calm?’ I took a moment to sign with both hands now. Looking at him very curiously.

"Years and years of practice," he told me. "I barely notice the scent anymore."

‘Do you think it would be harder if you took a sabbatical? And weren't around blood?’

“Maybe." He shrugged his shoulders, but his hands remained steady. "I've never felt the need for an extended holiday." He flashed a brilliant smile in my direction. "I enjoy my work too much." He directed his attention to cleaning up, and I focused on trying to breathe.

I was staring at the ceiling, remembering Edwards' panicked face, wondering how I could explain this to him without him worrying about me too badly. 

‘I should have checked the water. Poor Jasper.” I looked at him again, signing a little slowly. I’d already forgiven my pseudo brother, I was the idiot who cut themselves open at a vampires house. 

“He’ll be fine, I’m sure you can talk to him once he’s calmed down.” 

‘Will Edward?’ my face was worried, and Carlisle tried to hide that he was too.

“...He’s going to have to be.” Carlisle sighed after a moment, sitting beside me. 

‘He always takes these things onto himself. blames himself. It is not right.’ I signed a little more powerfully this time.

‘I don’t know how to explain that these things are just as much on me, and my choices. Not because he is “Damned”. He wont even discuss the concept of changing me.’

He looked at me seriously for a moment, viewing my frustration. My worry.

"...You know my father was a clergyman," he mused as he cleaned the table carefully, rubbing everything down with wet gauze, and then doing it again. The smell of alcohol burned in my nose. "He had a rather harsh view of the world, which I was already beginning to question before the time that I changed." Carlisle put all the dirty gauze and equipment into an empty crystal bowl. I didn't understand what he was doing, even when he lit the match. Then he threw it onto the alcohol-soaked fibers, and the sudden blaze made me jump.

"Sorry," he apologized. "That ought to do it. So I didn't agree with my father's particular brand of faith. But never, in the nearly four hundred years now since I was born, have I ever seen anything to make me doubt whether God exists in some form or the other. Not even the reflection in the mirror."

I tipped my head at him, a little surprised that he was so devout. Religion was the last thing I expected, all things considered. My own life was fairly devoid of belief. I myself was an atheist, my family called themselves “episcopalian”, and dragged me to church for some holidays. 

"I'm sure all this sounds a little bizarre, coming from a vampire." He grinned, knowing how their casual use of that word never failed to shock me. "But I'm hoping that there is still a point to this life, even for us. It's a long shot, I'll admit," he continued in an offhand voice. 

"By all accounts, we're damned regardless. But I hope, maybe foolishly, that we'll get some measure of credit for trying."

‘....I don't think that's foolish,’ it took me a moment to find the signs to my emotions. I couldn't imagine anyone, deity included, who wouldn't be impressed by Carlisle. Besides, the only kind of heaven I could appreciate would have to include Edward. 

‘And I don't think anyone else would, either. I’m sure I’m already damned according to the catholic church.’ I shrugged.

"Actually, you're the very first one to agree with me."

‘The rest of them don't feel the same?’ I asked, surprised, thinking of only one person in particular.

Carlisle guessed the direction of my thoughts again. "Edward's with me up to a point. God and heaven exist, and so does hell. But he doesn't believe there is an afterlife for our kind." Carlisle's voice was very soft; he stared out the big window over the sink, into the darkness. "You see, he thinks we've lost our souls."

I immediately thought of Edward's words this afternoon: unless you want to die-- whatever it is that we do. The lightbulb flicked on over my head.

‘That’s why he’s so against the idea…’I relaxed in understanding, then looked to him again. 

‘He believes he’d be hurting my chance at an afterlife?’

Carlisle spoke slowly. "I look at my son. Fire and protection, his strength, his goodness, the brightness that shines out of him, it only fuels that hope, that faith, more than ever. How could there not be more for one such as Edward?"

I nodded fiercely. ‘There had better be.’

"But if I believed as he does..." He looked down at me with unfathomable eyes. "If you believed as he did. Could you take away his soul?"

The way he phrased the question thwarted my answer.

If he'd asked me whether I would risk my soul for Edward, the reply would be obvious. But would I risk Edward's soul? I pursed my lips unhappily. That wasn't a fair exchange. I’d promised to try as hard as I could to live for him, and I’d been looking at it from an analytical perspective. A matter of going through the steps properly, logically, never in a moral way. 

I’d never realized the weight that would put on Edwards shoulders. What he would have to bear.

"You see the problem."

‘I feel as though we should at least speak about it, it’s my life after all,’ I insisted.

"It's his, too." He held up his hand when he could see that I was about to argue. "And whether or not he feels he can be responsible for doing that to you."

‘Would the family discuss it with me?’ 

He laughed, abruptly lightening the mood. "Oh, no! You're going to have to work this out with him." But then he sighed.

"That's the one part I can never be sure of. I think, in most other ways, that I've done the best I could with what I had to work with. But was it right to doom the others to this life? I can't decide."

I didn't answer. I imagined what my life would be like if Carlisle had resisted the temptation to change his lonely existence, and shuddered.

"It was Edward's mother who made up my mind." Carlisle's voice was almost a whisper. He stared unseeingly out the black windows.

‘His mother?’ Whenever I'd asked Edward about his parents, he would merely say that they had died long ago, and his memories were vague. I realized Carlisle's memory of them, despite the brevity of their contact, would be perfectly clear.

"Yes. Her name was Elizabeth. Elizabeth Masen. His father, Edward Senior, never regained consciousness in the hospital. He died in the first wave of the influenza. But Elizabeth was alert until almost the very end. Edward looks a great deal like her, she had that same strange bronze shade to her hair, and her eyes were exactly the same color green."

‘...His eyes were green?’ I felt a twinge of sadness, pain, thinking so far back, knowing I’d never know that part of him. Wondering if he missed his old eye color.

“Yes." Carlisle's ocher eyes were a hundred years away now. "Elizabeth worried obsessively over her son. She hurt her own chances of survival trying to nurse him from her sickbed. I expected that he would go first, he was so much worse off than she was. When the end came for her, it was very quick. It was just after sunset, and I'd arrived to relieve the doctors who'd been working all day. That was a hard time to pretend, there was so much work to be done, and I had no need of rest. How I hated to go back to my house, to hide in the dark and pretend to sleep while so many were dying.

"I went to check Elizabeth and her son first. I'd grown attached, a dangerous thing to do considering the fragile nature of humans. I could see at once that she'd taken a bad turn. The fever was raging out of control, and her body was too weak to fight anymore.

"She didn't look weak, though, when she glared up at me from her cot.

"Save him!' she commanded me in the hoarse voice that was all her throat could manage.

"I'll do everything in my power,' I promised her, taking her hand. The fever was so high, she probably couldn't even tell how unnaturally cold mine felt. Everything felt cold to her skin.

"You must," she insisted, clutching at my hand with enough strength that I wondered if she wouldn't pull through the crisis after all. Her eyes were hard, like stones, like emeralds. 'You must do everything in your power. What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edward."

"It frightened me. She looked at me with those piercing eyes, and, for one instant, I felt certain that she knew my secret. Then the fever overwhelmed her, and she never regained consciousness. She died within an hour of making her demand.

"I'd spent decades considering the idea of creating a companion for myself. Just one other creature who could really know me, rather than what I pretended to be. But I could never justify it to myself, doing what had been done to me.

"There Edward lay, dying. It was clear that he had only hours left. Beside him, his mother, her face somehow not yet peaceful, not even in death."

Carlisle saw it all again, his memory unblurred by the intervening century. I could see it clearly, too, as he spoke, the despair of the hospital, the overwhelming atmosphere of death. Edward burning with fever, his life slipping away with each tick of the clock-- I shuddered again, and forced the picture from my mind.

"Elizabeth's words echoed in my head. How could she guess what I could do? Could anyone really want that for her son?

"I looked at Edward. Sick as he was, he was still beautiful. There was something pure and good about his face. The kind of face I would have wanted my son to have.

"After all those years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim. I wheeled his mother to the morgue first, and then I came back for him. No one noticed that he was still breathing. There weren't enough hands, enough eyes, to keep track of half of what the patients needed. The morgue was empty, of the living, at least. I stole him out the back door, and carried him across the rooftops back to my home.

"I wasn't sure what had to be done. I settled for recreating the wounds I'd received myself, so many centuries earlier in London. I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary.

"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." He shook his head, coming back to the present. He smiled at me. "I suppose I should take you home now."

"I'll do that," Edward said. He came through the shadowy doorway, walking slowly for him. His face was smooth, unreadable, but there was something wrong with his eyes, he was trying very hard to hide. I felt a spasm of unease in my stomach. I forced myself to speak, trying to talk normally despite the pain.

“I can take an Uber, or drive, really, I’m alright.”

“I'm fine." Edward's voice was unemotional. "You'll need to change anyway. Alice wants to dry clean the dress to prevent any damage. I’ll get her to find you something.” He strode out without another word, and I felt my shoulders drop, misery eating my organs.

I looked at Carlisle with my own sullen understanding.

‘He's very upset.’

"Yes," Carlisle agreed. "Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are."

‘It's not his fault.’

“It’s not yours, either.”

I looked away from his wise, beautiful eyes. I couldn't agree with that.

Carlisle offered me his hand and helped me up from the lounge. I followed him out into the main room. Esme had come back; she was mopping the floor where I'd fallen, using straight bleach from the smell of it.

"Esme, I’m so sorry…”

"I'm already done." She smiled up at me. "How do you feel?"

"I'm fine," I assured her, still covering the wheeze, but it was getting easier. "Carlisle sews faster than any other doctor I've had."

They both chuckled.

Alice and Edward came in the back doors. Alice hurried to my side, but Edward hung back, his face indecipherable.

"C'mon," Alice said. "let’s get you changed.” 

I followed her off, letting her take the dress, the stains hidden by the deep black of the fabric, and she quickly shoved it into a plastic bag. I changed back into my sundress from before, sad to see the black dress go.

"Alice," I whispered as she headed back to the door.

"Yes?" She kept her voice low, too, and looked at me curiously, her head cocked to the side.

"How bad is it?" I couldn't be sure if my whispering was a wasted effort. Even though we were upstairs, with the door closed, perhaps he could hear me.

Her face tensed. "I'm not sure yet."

"How's Jasper?"

She sighed. "He's very unhappy with himself. It's all so much more of a challenge for him, and he hates feeling weak."

"It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?"

"Of course."

Edward was waiting for me by the front door. As I got to the bottom of the staircase, he held it open without a word.

"Take your things!" Alice cried as I walked warily toward Edward. She carefully stacked the boxes, running them out to the car. 

“Thank you Alice, and everyone. The party was honestly lovely. I still feel very spoiled.”

Esme and Carlisle both said a quiet goodnight. I could see them stealing quick glances at their impassive son, much like I was.

It was a relief to be outside; I hurried past the lanterns and the roses, now unwelcome reminders. Edward kept pace with me silently. He opened the passenger side for me, and I climbed in without complaint.

On the dashboard was a big red ribbon, stuck to the new stereo. I gently took off the ribbon, examining the stereo for just a moment, trying to lighten the mood by looking calm and curious.

He didn't look at me or the stereo. Neither of us switched it on, and the silence was somehow intensified by the sudden thunder of the engine. He drove too fast down the dark, serpentine lane.

The silence was making me insane.

"Say something," I finally begged as he turned onto the freeway.

"What do you want me to say?" he asked in a detached voice.

I cringed at his remoteness. 

“Tell me you forgive me."

That brought a flicker of life to his face, a flicker of anger. 

"Forgive you? For what?"

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened."

"Eva, you cut yourself on a knife that wasn’t visible to you, on accident, that hardly deserves the death penalty."

"I still could have been more careful, I should have remembered. It’s my fault"

My words opened up the floodgate.

"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica and Becca and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and fallen into a wall-- without someone throwing you into one-- then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up, and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself,Eva. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" I demanded.

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," he growled.

“Oh because we can choose! It’s not like there’s a lot more about being with you that makes me happy or anything. Not like I fell in love with you for a  _ reason,  _ dipshit!”

"Don't be melodramatic, please."

"Then stop taking all of this on like it’s something you have to carry! I have bad luck, I always have! You wouldn’t be disgusted with yourself if I got hit by a car on the way to your house. Things happen, and we can either wallow about it and worry about things we can’t change, or we can learn from it and move forward! Pain is mandatory, suffering is optional. Stop choosing to suffer." Now it was my turn to rant, gesturing angrily and bouncing my leg, my eyes welling with tears.

“You brought me to a lovely birthday party that your family held for me. That doesn’t deserve capital punishment either.”

He didn't answer. He glared through the windshield, his expression black.

I racked my brain for some way to salvage the evening. When we pulled up in front of my house, I still hadn't come up with anything.

He killed the engine, but his hands stayed clenched around the steering wheel.

"...Will you stay tonight?" I asked, quiet now, fighting tears.

"I should go home."

The last thing I wanted was for him to go wallow in remorse.

"For my birthday," I pressed.

"You can't have it both ways-- either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other."

His voice was stern, but not as serious as before. I breathed a silent sigh of relief.

"Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday, maybe your family did spoil me. I'll see you upstairs."

I hopped out, reaching back in for my packages. He frowned.

"You don't have to take those."

"I want them," I responded automatically, and then wondered if he was using reverse psychology.

"No, you don't. Everyone spent money on you."

"I'll live." I tucked the presents awkwardly under my good arm and slammed the door behind me. He was out of the truck and by my side in less than a second.

"Let me carry them, at least." he said as he took them away. "I'll be in your room."

I smiled. "Thanks."

"Happy birthday," he sighed, and leaned down to touch his lips to mine.

I reached up on my toes to make the kiss last longer when he pulled away. He smiled my favorite crooked smile, and then he disappeared into the darkness.

I took the recently renovated elevator, rubbing my temples as I made it into my apartment.

"How was it?" Kain lounged across the sofa with his bare feet propped up on the arm. His curly brown hair was crushed flat on one side.

"Alice went overboard. Flowers, cake, candles, presents--the whole bit."

"What did they get you?"

"A stereo for my truck, a midi-keyboard, a whole recording set up, it’s totally ridiculous but I can’t say I’m not excited."

"Damn boo, and you let them?" He laughed.

"Yeah, you think anyone could stop Alice?" He laughed, and agreed. "Well, I'm calling it a night."

"I'll see you in the morning."

I waved. "See ya."

"What happened to your hand?"

I flushed and cursed silently. "I tripped. It's nothing."

"Eva," he sighed, shaking his head.

"Goodnight, Kain."

I hurried up to the bathroom, where I kept my pajamas for just such nights as these. I shrugged into the matching tank top and cotton pants that I'd gotten to replace the holey sweats I used to wear to bed, wincing as the movement pulled at the stitches. I washed my face one-handed, brushed my teeth, and then bolted to my room.

He was sitting in the center of my bed, toying idly with the midi keyboard.

"Hi," he said. His voice was sad. He was wallowing.

I went to the bed, pushed the presents out of his hands, and climbed into his lap.

"Hi." I snuggled into his stone chest. “I really do love the necklace by the way, it’s beautiful, I love opal.”

"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" he wondered.

"You made me want to appreciate being spoiled, rather than whine about it, people feel good when they give gifts, why not let them."

He didn't say anything, and I fought a frown. I looked to the small pile of gifts, and fished out the USB stick. I climbed out of his lap and went to my computer, plugging it in and downloading the files on it to iTunes. I hit play, and went back to Edward again, squirming back into his arms as I heard the first bars of the piano.

I listened in silence, my lip starting to tremble. I knew he was waiting for my reaction, but I couldn't talk. Tears welled up, and I reached up to wipe them away before they could spill over.

"Does your hand hurt?" he asked anxiously.

"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more than this." I shut up, so I could listen.

It was his music, his compositions. The first piece on the CD was my lullaby.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," he explained.

"You're right."

"How does your hand feel?"

"Just fine." Actually, it was starting to blaze under the bandage. I wanted ice. I would have settled for his hand, but that would have given me away.

"I'll get you some Tylenol."

"I don't need anything," I protested, but he slid me off his lap and headed for the door.

“Kain!” I whispered, and he looked back at me, Kain wasn’t unused to Edward spending the night, but it would still be odd since he hadn’t come in with me.

"He won't catch me," Edward promised as he disappeared silently out the door . . and returned, catching the door before it had swung back to touch the frame. He had the glass from the bathroom and the bottle of pills in one hand.

I took the pills he handed me without arguing, I knew I would lose the argument And my hand really was starting to bother me.

My lullaby continued, soft and lovely, in the background.

"It's late," Edward noted. He scooped me up off the bed with one arm, and pulled the cover back with the other. He put me down with my head on my pillow and tucked the quilt around me. He lay down next to me--on top of the blanket so I wouldn't get chilled--and put his arm over me.

I leaned my head against his shoulder and sighed happily.

"Thanks again," I whispered.

"You're welcome."

It was quiet for a long moment as I listened to my lullaby drift to a close. Another song began. I recognized Esme's favorite.

"What are you thinking about?" I wondered in a whisper.

He hesitated for a second before he told me. "I was thinking about right and wrong, actually."

I felt a chill tingle along my spine.

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" I asked quickly, hoping it wasn't too clear that I was trying to distract him.

"Yes," he agreed, wary.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

"You're greedy tonight."

"Yes, I am, but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," I added, piqued.

He laughed, and then sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," he said in a strangely desperate tone as he put his hand under my chin and pulled my face up to his.

The kiss began much the same as usual, Edward was as careful as ever, and my heart began to overreact like it always did. And then something seemed to change. Suddenly his lips became much more urgent, his free hand twisted into my hair and held my face securely to his. And, though my hand tangled in his hair, too, and though I was clearly beginning to cross his cautious lines, for once he didn't stop me. His body was cold through the thin quilt, but I crushed myself against him eagerly.

When he stopped it was abrupt; he pushed me away with gentle, firm hands.

I collapsed back onto my pillow, gasping, my head spinning. Something tugged at my memory, elusive, on the edges.

"Sorry," he said, and he was breathless, too. "That was out of line."

"I don't mind," I panted.

He frowned at me in the darkness. "Try to sleep. Eva."

"No, I want you to kiss me again."

"You're overestimating my self-control."

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" I challenged.

"It's a tie." He grinned briefly in spite of himself, and then was serious again. "Now. why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"

"Fine," I agreed, snuggling closer to him. I really did feel exhausted. It had been a long day in so many ways, yet I felt no sense of relief at its end. Almost as if something worse was coming tomorrow. It was a silly premonition-- but I still couldn't shake the anxiety that still gripped me.

Trying to be sneaky about it, I pressed my injured hand against his shoulder, so his cool skin would soothe the burning. It felt better at once.

I was halfway asleep, maybe more, when I realized what his kiss had reminded me of: last spring, when he'd had to leave me to throw James off my trail, Edward had kissed me goodbye, not knowing when, or if, we would see each other again. This kiss had the same almost painful edge for some reason I couldn't imagine. I shuddered into unconsciousness, as if I were already having a nightmare.


	3. Unraveling

I felt like crap when I woke up, almost like I was hungover. I hadn’t slept well; my hand burned and my head ached. It didn't help my outlook that Edward's face was smooth and remote as he kissed my forehead quickly and ducked out my window. I was afraid of the time I'd spent unconscious, afraid that he might have been thinking about right and wrong again while he watched me sleep. The anxiety seemed to ratchet up the intensity of the pounding in my head.

Edward was waiting for me at our cafe, as usual, but his face was still wrong. It was though he was running through scenarios or conversations in his head, he seemed lost in thought, if not...disappointed? relieved? 

I didn't want to bring up last night, but I wasn't sure if avoiding the subject would be worse.

He opened my door for me.

"How do you feel?"

"Pretty alright, I think I have a wine hangover from the party last night.” I kept it light, laughing, but I watched his reaction carefully, not even a twitch.

We walked in silence, he was shortening his stride to match mine. There were so many questions I wanted to ask, but most of those questions would have to wait, because they were for Alice: How was Jasper this morning? What had they said when I was gone? What had Rosalie said? And most importantly, what could she see happening now? 

Could she guess what Edward was thinking, why he was so gloomy? Was there a foundation for the tenuous, instinctive fears that I couldn't seem to shake?

The morning passed slowly. I was impatient to call Alice, though I wouldn't be able to really talk to her with Edward there. We both pulled out our thesis work, beginning to study in silence. Our little table suddenly seemed cold. The light in the cafe was too white, too incandescent. maybe they changed the bulbs they used. Edward remained aloof. Occasionally he would ask about my hand, and I would lie.

“Um, how is everyone this morning? How’s Jasper?” 

He looked at the notes he was carefully and elegantly scratching, unperturbed. "He’s with Alice.”

"Is he okay?"

"He's gone away for a while."

"What? Where?"

Edward shrugged. "Nowhere in particular."

"And Alice, too," I said with quiet desperation. Of course, if Jasper needed her, she would go.

"Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."

Denali was where the one other band of unique vampires, good ones like the Cullens, lived. Tanya and her family. I'd heard of them now and again. Edward had run to them last winter when my arrival had made Pullman difficult for him. Laurent, the most civilized member of Jace's little coven, had gone there rather than siding with Jace against the Cullens. It made sense for Alice to encourage Jasper to go there.

I swallowed, trying to dislodge the sudden lump in my throat. The guilt made my head bow and my shoulders slump. I'd run them out of their home, my knee started bouncing under the table, and I swallowed the knot that was slowly growing in my throat, back into my chest.

"Is your hand bothering you?" he asked solicitously.

"Not at all, ibuprofen has really done the trick.” That wasn’t quite a lie, but I’d been popping it like candy all day..

He didn't answer, and I put my head down to focus back on my notes..

By the end of the day, the silence was becoming ridiculous. I didn't want to be the one to break it, but apparently that was my only choice if I ever wanted him to talk to me again.

"You'll come over later tonight?" I asked as he walked me silently to my truck. He always came over if I asked.

“Hm?” He perked as though I’d pulled him out of his train of thought.

“Ange and Jess wanted to play pingpong for some reason, something about someone's “honor”, so I won’t be home until later. You’ll come see me?”

"If you want me to." He looked  _ resigned.  _ The knot in my chest grew again, filling my stomach and putting pressure on my airways, my lung burned.

"I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t, silly.” I tried light again. 

I expected he would laugh, or smile, or react somehow to my words.

"All right, then," he said indifferently.

He gave me an awkward nod before he shut the door on me. Then he turned his back and loped gracefully toward his car.

I was able to drive out of the parking lot before the panic really hit, the ball of knots inside of me needed to shrink, don’t panic over what hasn’t happened yet, right? I was just catastrophizing. 

He just needed time, I told myself. He would get over this. Maybe he was sad because his family was separated. But Alice and Jasper would come back soon, and Rosalie and Emmett, too. If it would help, I would stay away from the big white house on the river-- never set foot there again. That didn't matter. I'd still see Alice at school. She would have to come back for school, right? And she was at my place all the time anyway. She wouldn't want to hurt Kains feelings by staying away.

No doubt I would also run into Carlisle with regularity, in the emergency room.

After all, what had happened last night was nothing. Nothing had happened. So I managed to hurt myself again, that was the story of my life. Compared to last spring, it seemed especially unimportant. Jace had left me mangled and nearly dead from loss of blood, and yet Edward had handled the interminable weeks in the hospital much better than this. Was it because, this time, it wasn't an enemy he'd had to protect me from? Because it was his brother?

Still, he loved me.

Didn’t he?

I was able to talk myself into enough composure to handle getting out of the truck and walking to the Rec center. Mike Newton had beaten me here today, and he smiled and waved when I came in. I waved back, nodding vaguely in his direction. I was still focusing on shrinking the knot.

“How was your birthday?”

“It was...lovely. The Cullens are a really wonderful family.” I nodded, heading back to see Angela and Jess, who immediately dragged me in to referee. It felt good to take my focus off of my anxiety, and listening to them laugh and bicker grounded me further.

The relief I felt when I turned into my parking lot and saw Edward's black car parked in front of my building was an overwhelming, heady thing. And it bothered me deeply that it should be that way. The knot grew again.

I hurried through the front door, and up the faster stairs, almost dropping my key trying to unlock my apartment door, calling out before I was completely inside.

"Kain? Edward?"

As I spoke, I could hear the distinctive theme music from Ru Paul’s Drag Race coming from the living room.

"In here," Kain called.

I hung my raincoat on its peg and hurried around the corner.

Edward was in the armchair, my brother on the sofa. Both had their eyes trained on the TV. The focus was normal for my brother. Not so much for Edward.

"Hi," I said weakly.

"Hey, Eva," Kain answered, eyes never moving. "We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."

"Okay."

I waited in the doorway. Finally, Edward looked over at me with a polite smile. "I'll be right behind you," he promised. His eyes strayed back to the TV.

I stared for another minute, shocked. Neither one seemed to notice. I could feel the knot seething, expanding, seeming to wrap my organs up into it now, everything inside me churning. I escaped to the kitchen.

The pizza held no interest for me. I sat in my chair, feeling lightheaded, as though my breath wasn’t pulling in enough oxygen. I gripped the edge of the table, in through the nose, out through the mouth. More was wrong than I’d wanted to believe, and different horrid possibilities circled around my head. The sounds of male bonding and banter continued from the TV set.

I tried to get control of myself, to reason with myself, but nothing was helpful. I did my breathing exercise until I was comfortably numb, 

‘let the chips fall where they may.’

I stood slowly, splashing some cold water on my face and stepping out, slapping on my retail smile to join them in the living room.

When the show ended, I hadn't moved an inch. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward stand.

"I'd better get home," he said.

Kain didn't look up from the commercial. "See ya."

I got awkwardly to my feet, stiff from sitting so still, and followed Edward out the front door. He went straight to his car.

"Will you stay?" I asked, no hope in my voice.

I expected his answer, so it didn't hurt as much.

“Not tonight."

I didn't ask for a reason.

He got in his car and drove away while I stood there, unmoving. I barely noticed that it was raining. I waited, without knowing what I waited for, until I finally got too cold to stand still any longer.

It was a long night, with little in the way of rest.

I got up as soon as there was a faint light outside my window. I dressed for the day mechanically, waiting for the clouds to brighten. When I had eaten a bowl of cereal, I decided that it was light enough for more pictures of Pullman, something to distract me. I took one of my truck, and then the front of the apartment complex. I walked around the building and snapped a few of the forest that creeped towards the building. Funny how it didn't seem sinister like it used to. I realized I would miss this, the green, the timelessness, the mystery of the woods. All of it.

I put the camera in my messenger bag before I left. I tried to concentrate on my new project rather than the fact that Edward apparently hadn't gotten over things during the night.

Along with the fear, I was beginning to feel impatience. How long could this last?

It lasted through the morning, meeting me at the café as usual. He sat silently beside me, never seeming to actually look at me. I tried to concentrate on my work, but the words on the page were just not sticking. I reread the same two pages three times before I actually gleaned any information from the jumble of characters.

And the silence continued. I felt like I was going to start screaming at any moment, so, to distract myself, I leaned back and pulled out my camera, snapping a photo of the main cafe, and then our little nook. I was holding the printed photo when I saw Edward was looking at me, annoyed. genuinely  _ annoyed _ . I didn’t recognize this expression, and it made me want to shrink back.

“Don’t you have enough photos of me already?” His voice was icy, going back to his notes. 

I was nearly shaking, hurt spiking in me and adding ever onto the horrid knot that felt as though it was eating me now.

Edward walked me back to the parking lot in silence. I was almost...scared. After everything, was this really happening, after all we’d seen, been through, shared, was I right all along? The thought left me completely apathetic, too big to process without proof. Evidence.

When I got home, I opened my scrapbook, to insert the new photos. I hesitated, but turned the page back to look at the first pictures I’d taken. Edward looked just as beautiful as he did in real life, staring at me out of the picture with the warm eyes I'd missed for the past few days. No thousand words could equal this picture.

I flipped through the rest of them quickly once, and then took out and laid three of them out on the bed side by side.

The first was the picture of Edward in the kitchen, his warm eyes touched with tolerant amusement. The second was Edward and Kain, laughing about our antics. 

The last photo was the one I’d taken in the café today, and I realized then I’d captured his annoyance. His anger. The difference in Edward's expression was severe. His eyes were careful here, reserved. Still breathtakingly beautiful, but his face was colder, more like a sculpture, less alive.

Instead of doing my thesis work, I stayed up to put my pictures into the album. With a ballpoint pen I scrawled captions under all the pictures, the names and the dates. I got to the picture of Edward and me at the breakfast table that perfectly simple morning, and, without looking at it too long, tucked it neatly inside one of the flaps at the back, hidden. I don’t know why I did that, perhaps to trap some part of the joy that I’d felt? keep it?

When I was done, I stuffed the second set of prints in a fresh envelope and penned a long thank-you letter to my mother and father.

Edward still hadn't come over. I didn't want to admit that he was the reason I'd stayed up so late, but of course he was. I tried to remember the last time he'd stayed away like this, without an excuse, a phone call, a text, He never had.

Again, I didn't sleep well.

The Café followed the silent, frustrating, terrifying pattern of the last two days. I felt relief when I saw Edward waiting for me in the parking lot, but it faded quickly. He was no different, unless maybe more remote.

It was hard to even remember the reason for all this mess. My birthday already felt like the distant past. If only Alice would come back. Soon. Before this got any more out of hand.

But I couldn't count on that. I decided that, if I couldn't talk to him today, really talk, then I was going to see Carlisle tomorrow. I had to do something.

As we left, Edward and I were going to talk it out, I promised myself. I wasn't accepting any excuses.

He walked me to my truck, and I steeled myself to make my demands.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" he asked before we got to the truck, beating me to the punch.

"Of course not."

"Now?" he asked again, opening my door for me.

"Sure," I kept my voice even, though I didn't like the urgency in his tone. "I was just going to drop a letter for my mother in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

He looked at the fat envelope on the passenger seat. Suddenly, he reached over me and snagged it.

"I'll do it," he said quietly. "And I'll still beat you there." He smiled my favorite crooked smile, but it was wrong. It didn't reach his eyes.

"Okay," I agreed, unable to smile back. He shut the door, and headed toward his car.

He did beat me home. He was parked in Kain's spot when I pulled up in front of the house. That was a bad sign. He didn't plan to stay, then. There was a dull ringing in the back of my head, like alarm bells. like the bells from my dream.

Tolling.  _ For whom does the bell toll? _

He got out of his car when I stepped out of the truck, and came to meet me. He reached to take my book bag from me. That was normal. But he shoved it back onto the seat. That was not normal.

"Come for a walk with me," he suggested in an unemotional voice, taking my hand.

I didn't answer. I couldn't think of a way to protest, but I instantly knew that I wanted to. I could feel myself disconnecting, dissociating. I knew what was coming. I knew I wasn’t ready for it.

He pulled me along toward the east side of the building, where the forest encroached. I followed unwillingly, staring at the ground, I just needed to survive it. Survive.

We'd gone only a few steps into the trees when he stopped. We were barely on the trail, I could still see the building.

Some walk.

Edward leaned against a tree and stared at me, his expression unreadable.

"Okay, let's talk," I said. It sounded braver than it felt.

He took a deep breath.

"Eva, I’m afraid that I have made a mistake.."

I took a deep breath, too. I spaced my feet as though I were going to be hit by a tackle, steeling my stance.

“What mistake would that be, Edward?” I couldn’t help the cool edge to my voice. Denial and depression were now giving way to anger, but I let him speak.

“...I tried to script this, but I don’t think I can. Eva, what happened with Jasper, it made me think, I should say, it made this necessary. I’ve been waiting for the right time for a few weeks now, but it never felt right until, well, now.”

He shrugged, emotionless, almost bored.

“I made a lot of promises, and said a lot of things that...I realize now were just projected hopes, rather than honest feelings. As old as I am, you become lonely, and you interested me. The first person in a while to do so.”

He chuckled, but the sound no longer felt warm.

“But the interest faded, and so did my infatuation, and I was trying to let you down easy, but that takes time, and while I need to go, I still don’t want you hurt. I may not love you, but I still care about your wellbeing. You’ve been very good to me.”

That was the sentence that nearly killed me. The words felt like knives. My breathing was too deep, searing my insides. I knew it was coming, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. 

“You’re saying your mistake was...believing your feelings were love?” 

“Unfortunately, yes.” He gave me an apologetic smile, but otherwise seemed unmoved, unbothered.

“My family will be leaving, I certainly made a mess here, and my siblings are a little upset. But it’s better if we leave on a clean break. I assume I can trust you to keep our secret? If not for me, which is understandable, then Alice, Carlisle, Esme-”

“Of course I will. I would like to say goodbye myself if I can-”

“They’re already gone, Eva, we have to move quickly, you understand.” 

“I can’t even say goodbye to Alice? Surely shed text-”

“Already ditched our phones, I really am sorry Eva. We just can’t leave any loose ends.”

My ribcage was being cracked open like a corpse on an autopsy table, my head was swimming, but the rage welled hot and insurmountable in my stomach, tearing out of my mouth, my eyes finally meeting his. He looked startled.  _ Good. _

“You’re really just going to leave it like this? Just toss it because it got boring? Don’t try and act like this is noble!” I couldn’t believe him, was this really the same man I’d spent nearly the last year with?

“I’m still a fucking person. I gave you so much of me, more than I’ve ever given anyone, and you can’t even acknowledge that? You might be immortal Edward, but I’m not. My life is not a fucking toy for you to pick up and throw away!””

I spit the words, bitter, angry, hurt, scared, shattered-

“Eva..” He tried to soothe me, his brow furrowing, guilt actually setting into his features.  **_Good._ **

“You’re human, your memory is like a sieve. I promise I’ll take it all with me, it will be as though I never existed. You can return to your life, you’ll forget me in time-”

“Don’t you  _ DARE.”  _ I roared, and caught him by surprise again. 

“You really think so fucking  _ little _ of me that you can do this and I will just go back to being who I was before I met you? That  _ this  _ meant so little to me?! Have you never listened to a word I said?!”

“No, Eva-”

“Shut up! You will  _ damn _ well listen to me, you owe me that much!” I pointed at his chest, tears now pouring down my face.

“I will never be able to do that, you understand? You have eternity, I am a blip in your fucking timeline. You changed the  _ world.  _ You changed  _ me  _ in irreversible ways. If you’re just looking for your shit back-”

I gripped the pendant he gave me, snapping it off my neck and pressing it into his chest.

“You can fucking have it. But don’t you dare make another promise that is as hollow as the rest of them.”

I grit my teeth as my voice cracked on the last word, furious at myself.

“You can promise me one thing. You can promise you won’t do this to someone else, you wont turn someone inside out “by mistake” and then leave them like that, expecting them to fit into the same shape they used to. It’s not a thing. I am finite. My hours and minutes mean something. I thought Carlisle would have been able to teach you that, but maybe you’ll learn now.”

I was almost screaming, spitting, choking on my own throat, my breath was wheezing again, and I coughed, holding my scar as it ached viciously. I held his gaze, not letting him escape. His eyes were unfathomable, and he looked frozen.

“....I promise.” his response was quiet, flat. 

It was the best I would get.

“That all being said…” I was calming now, that or shutting down, I couldn’t tell, my tears staining my top.

“....Thank you. For your time. The good memories will hurt now, eventually I might be able to revisit them...but if you want a clean break, you are going to have to break me, once and for all Edward. Do not leave a window open. Do not leave a gap.”

my voice shook, my shoulders fell, and I continued to hold his eyes, my hackles were up, fight or flight.

“...I don’t love you, Eva. I don’t think I ever did. I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not. I need a change.” it was like morphine, senselessness and apathy ate me piece by piece. His voice was sharp now, pointed, eyes angry, firm, impenetrable. 

“I’m sorry. Please...take care of yourself.” He stepped closer to me, pressing a kiss to my forehead, just one, and just like that, 

he was gone.

I hadn’t realized heartbreak was something you could actually feel. But my heart had been completely emptied. blackened. Cracking like the exoskeleton left behind by a long molted insect. 

As the thin carapace of muscle began to fracture, so did I. I fell to my knees, and I shattered.


	4. When Love Arrives

Maybe love stays.

Maybe love can’t.

Maybe love shouldn’t.

Love arrives, exactly when love is supposed to.

And love leaves, exactly when love must.

When love arrives, say: Welcome! Make yourself comfortable!

If love leaves,

Ask her to leave the door open behind her.

Turn off the music.

Listen to the quiet.

Whisper, 

‘Thank you, for stopping by.’

_ “When Love Arrives” _

_ Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye _


	5. Coping Mechanisms

“Evangeline?”  
I jolted and sat up straight in the plush chair, I’d zoned out at the pale beige wallpaper again. Clearing my throat, I refocused my eyes on Dr. Horvath.  
“Sorry, what was the question?” I tried to remember her previous words, but was pulling nothing.   
“Have you had any luck opening any of the bottles?” She repeated, a concerned tick forming between her eyebrows. Her voice was gentle, kind, as it always was when discussing this part of my recovery.  
My recovery.  
It was a week after he’d left, that I’d had my meltdown. I didn’t remember much of it, however my mother and brother had been frightened enough to put me into psychiatric help. I couldn’t fault them, even I hadn’t expected my own reaction to the breakup.   
I had been doing much better, in no small part to my ability to compartmentalize my grief, at least that is what Dr. Horvath had told me I was doing. I could only imagine little glass bottles in my brain, labeled with names, filled with dark, awful, clawing things that I did not want to let out stoppered by corks. Opening those bottles scared me absolutely shitless. Every time I attempted to lift one, the darkness creeped out like tentacles, attempting to swallow me whole once again. I shook my head, feeling myself start to breathe too heavily, shoving it back on the shelf.  
“No...not yet. I’m not ready yet.” I coughed, wringing my hands in my lap and attempting to get a hold on my breathing.   
Dr. Horvath frowned deeply and wrote something into her notes.   
“You’re going to need to process these events sooner or later, Eva. At least one of the bottles.”  
“I know.” I was frustrated, angry with myself. It had been over a month now, and I was still so fragile, so upset. It wasn’t the first time I had been dumped, but it was the first time it felt so all consuming. My friends were becoming annoyed with my constant low mood, and so was I.  
“I don’t understand why I’m not over this by now, why this is so difficult.” I grumbled bitterly, scratching at the shimmering scar on the heel of my hand. “We only dated for what, five months? This is ridiculous.”  
“You went through a traumatic experience with him, it’s natural for the brain to form a bond after such an awful accident. No one’s mental health looks exactly the same.” I could only stare angrily at the ground.  
“Anyway, we’re coming up on the end of our session now, so I wanted to finish up with a few questions. Have you had any suicidal thoughts over the last week?” my stomach knotted.  
“No.”  
“Have you made any plans at all?”  
“No.” I was firm, looking at her in the face.   
“Alright, good to hear. Let’s schedule for the same time next week, hm?”   
“Thank You Dr. Horvath, that sounds perfect.” I gave her a polite smile and shouldered my bag, shaking her hand and heading out to my truck. I glanced at my watch, I had to rush to make it to my internship on time.   
The Spokane County Medical Examiner’s building was opened in 2020, and was totally state of the art, I was lucky enough to land an internship with them, assisting in autopsies, running toxicology labs, cataloguing and filing results and evidence. There were several other interns, all doing a similar job to me, and I’d made semi-friends with a few.  
I was currently assigned to Dr. Kira Khadem. She was an intense woman, she was about the same height as me, but often seemed taller as she walked in heels like I walked in tennis shoes. She was young, incredibly driven in her work. I had a healthy amount of respect for the woman, and liked working under her, but she ran the other interns and I as hard as she could.  
I entered the building, digging my keycard out of my bag, tossing a smile to Annie at the front desk as I scanned in. She waved at me and gave me a kind hello as I stepped back to the locker room.   
I put away my bag and changed into my scrubs and lab coat, putting my hair up into a bun and clipping my ID to my breast pocket. I went to the “intern hole” as it was colloquially known. It was a simple little break room that the actual employees could corral us to when needed.   
As I pushed past the door, a low, raspy voice laughed.  
“‘Morning Morticia.”   
Pascal was a little shit. He was tall, but nearly skin and bone, lanky. His vibrant red hair was always a mess, and his eyes would follow you like a cats. He was incredibly obnoxious, and incredibly funny. We poked fun at each other constantly, it was one of the few things I had left that made me feel like a person.   
I’d earned the name Morticia the first week I’d been here, heavy circles under my eyes, dead to the world, only showing interest in corpses and murder. Dissecting things every chance I got. I must have seemed like a serial killer.  
“Morning, Cat shit.” I smirked, stepping over to the large white board that had our daily assignments on it. He’d earned his Nom-de-plume when his cat had taken a shit on his laptop, forcing him to be late, he’d accidentally sent his email to the entire building and not Dr. Khadem.  
As I looked for my name on the board, Pascal made a disgusted sound.  
“Oh, damn dude, autopsy, tough break.”  
I gave him a look. Normally no one here was squeamish about the autopsy rotation. What was different about today?   
“What are you talking about?”  
“We got a floater in a half an hour ago, looked like it had been out there a minimum of three days.”  
That explained it, corpses that were found in water had a smell you couldn't get away from for days. Worse than even regular decomp.  
“Tell me it’s at least not still bloated.”  
“Like a Macy's day float.”  
“Fuck.”  
“Good luck!” He called cheerfully while I went to scrub in at the morgue. I still had about five minutes before I was supposed to join the doctor, so I took my time breathing in the fresh air while I could.   
“Eva! hey!” A perky blonde with a heart shaped face jogged up beside me, beaming ear to ear, her ponytail bouncing.   
“Hey Nora.” I gave the girl a smile. She was a sweetheart, and had every guy in the lab drooling after her. It was like Legally Blonde but she became a Medical Examiner instead. She loved that comparison, she even wore a pink lanyard with the text: “What, like it’s hard?” scrawled along it.  
“Where’s your rotation today?” she chirped, holding a manilla folder about an inch thick to her chest.  
“Autopsy.”  
“Damn it! I wish that asshole Brady would get a nasty one just once. You don’t deserve this.” She sighed melodramatically, pouting.  
“I can’t avoid them forever, I mean, I’d like to get them identified for the family at least.” I forced a smile, and she walked me to the morgue.  
It was like the universe was laughing at me.  
I scrubbed in and gloved up, strapping a mask to my face, goggles, and a hair net before stepping into cold room. Dr. Khadem was already examining what I could only assume was the floater, tugging on the edge of her Hijab in thought.   
I approached the table slowly, trying to absorb the image of the being that was laid out across the metal. The face had been completely caved in, not a single feature recognizable, and the hands were missing all of their fingers, I glanced down, toes too.  
“Ah, Ms. Irving, good to see you today, I’d introduce you to our Jane Doe but it seems she’s not going to be very talkative, or identifiable.” The Doctor sighed, moving to a surgical tray and grabbing a tape recorder from it, handing it to me.  
“Document what you see, make sure to use details.”  
I gulped, looking down at the mess in front of me with trepidation. I also resisted the urge to mutter the term: “Girl, Same.”  
She was a person I reminded myself, and took a breath. Clicking record on the tape recorder.  
“This is Assistant Evangeline Irving, beginning the examination of Jane Doe number...33576, 11:03 a.m. July sixth, 2021.”  
I moved around, getting a bearing for the main standouts, and grabbing the clipboard at the end of the table, reading off the basics.  
“Victim was found floating in the...Puget sound, and recovered at 6:17 a.m. this morning. Water temperature was documented at 46.6 degrees fahrenheit.”   
I finally moved to the body, exhaling again at the brutality.  
“Victim appears to be assigned female at birth, approximately 5 feet, 6 inches tall. Brown hair,...” I leaned in closer to the obliterated face, finding a cloudy, misplaced eyeball.  
“...brown eyes. Victim has what appears to be severe blunt force trauma to the face and sides of the cranium, the fingers have also been dismembered between the proximal phalanx and the middle phalanx, on both hands. The toes have been similarly removed. Identity will not be able to be attained through dental records or fingerprints.”   
I put away the tape recorder, lifting her arm and noticing the rigidity of the muscles, then took note of the bloating.  
“Victim is still in partial rigor mortis, although it could be delayed because of the temperature of the body of water.” I looked to the doctor, then, frustrated.   
“How do we determine time of death? Identity?”  
“Well, let’s do the math, with rigor, bloating, and level of decomposition,...”  
I added it all up in my head and hummed unhappily.  
“My best Hypothesis is that the time of death was approximately 2 to 3 days ago?”  
The doctor walked me through more indicators of time if death on bodies found in water before I joined her in opening the body. We put on our face shields to make the first incision, fume hood running full tilt as the gases released. The organs had begun decomposing now, but still looked in decent shape.  
“Well that’s odd.” Khadem hummed, pressing away tissue. I looked up at her for more information, but she only held her hand out.  
“Rib cutters please, ms. Irving.” I passed them to her, they were really just large bolt cutters, watching her separate the sternum and rib cage with only minor wincing at the horrid cracking sound. I watched her begin to examine organs themselves, mainly the heart.  
“This body’s been exsanguinated...look for puncture wounds on the extremities, they may be hidden or distorted by decomposition and the washers skin.”  
I nodded, trying not to let the word exsanguinated sit too heavily on my shoulders. I grabbed a magnifying glass to examine the locations of arteries first. What I saw on her left arm just about put me in the morgue with her.  
My hands shook, and I looked at the palm of my right hand, the shimmering scar there, and held it up to the destroyed and torn flesh. It wasn’t an old scar, like mine, but was just visible on the edges of several of the more gruesome perimortem lacerations, the slight shimmer, a flicker where the cells had begun to change. I suddenly knew exactly what had killed this woman.   
My breathing escalated quickly, and I closed my eyes, grimacing, desperate to calm myself down, fighting viciously against the panic attack trying to claim me.  
But I was losing.  
“Please excuse me, doctor, I have to use the restroom.” I mumbled. Barely hearing her response as I degloved, de-masked, and threw my goggles in my pocket, booking it to the nearest bathroom. I tore to the last empty stall, thanking every deity the bathroom was empty as I locked the stall door and slammed my back into the wall, holding my head and rocking.   
This stall was so small, so tight, so dark, it felt like the walls were closing around me, being pressed in to crush me.   
“Eva, it’s alright...a lot of our kind pass through Seattle on their way north, remember?”  
I held my breath to prevent me from screaming.  
He sat across from me, long legs laid out lazily, leaning the back of his head against the opposite wall. His bronze hair was covering his forehead, messy and in his eyes.  
I shut my eyes, gritting my teeth.  
You’re not real! You’re not real!   
My Ghost.  
I didn’t know what else to call the apparition. I knew it was my subconscious finding some way of helping me cope, but I was absolutely horrified that I had fallen so low as to hallucinate.  
I hadn’t told anyone, terrified they’d put me away in some psych ward and throw away the key.  
“In five, out seven.”   
I heard the ghost practice the breath, and against my immediate, childish response to snap back, I listened, and breathed with it, getting my wits back as I began to calm. When I opened my eyes again, the ghost was gone, and I focused on standing and understanding that they had said vampires pass through the Olympic peninsula often, of course I’d see victims coming through here.   
I went back to the Morgue in silence, regloving and taking my position beside the doctor. Apathy, the shelf full of bottles rattled ominously, but I ignored the clattering of the glass, and focused on my job, only my job.

That night I was going out with the girls, I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. They had been wonderful, my college friends were doing their best to deal with my depression, but I could see it was weighing on them.  
We went to the Rose and Thorn, and I realised how long it had been since I visited. We took a booth in a back corner, Jessica already on about something happening in the news, I tried my best to pay attention, but I knew I was going to zone out, the noise of the other patrons and sounds of a pub blended into a deep, welcoming white noise.  
“Eva?”   
I snapped up, blinking, and realized none of them had called my name. I turned a little to face where they were looking and was startled again. It was Jacob.  
At least I thought it was.   
My brain dredged up a memory of the last time I’d seen him, just a glimpse. I knew he was tall, but he’d seemed to get even taller, towering now. His shoulders and chest had filled out, and he looked like he’d put on some weight. I could tell it wasn’t just typical weight gain though, he looked like he was training for a powerlifting competition.   
“W-Woah, Jake, what happened to you?” I laughed, standing to give him my attention, not wanting to be rude. He beamed and spread his arms a little.  
“I dunno, this must be that early twenties growth spurt I’ve heard about, impressive though isn’t it? I hit 6’8” last week.” He laughed a little sheepishly, and it felt warm. It was hard not to smile when he was grinning.   
“Care if I join you ladies? I’m finally off shift.”   
“Depends, do we get a round of shots?” Angela challenged, and Jake rolled his eyes, nodding with a grin. He stepped off to the bar and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. There was something about him that felt different, not a bad different, but like he was the only one in an image that had the saturation turned up.   
Jess caught me staring and elbowed me in the ribs, when I turned, they all had their eyes locked on my face with excitement.   
“He’s getting cuter isn’t he?” Jess smiled too innocently, and I realized what she was getting at. The bottles shook again, rumbling more forcefully, and immediately knew I didn’t want to discuss this.  
“Sure, if you’re into younger guys.” I shrugged, and they looked at eachother, passing some unspoken conversation as Jacob returned with a round of shots for all of us, judging by the color, whiskey.  
The girls all cheered and we all got our shots, Jess bounced excitedly.  
“Give us an Irish toast!”  
“Alright alright, here,” Jacob laughed  
“May you have warm words on a cold evening,  
A full moon on a dark night,  
And the road downhill all the way to your door."  
“Here, here!” We all tapped our glasses on each others, then the table, then threw them back. I was learning to like whiskey, it had a sweetness to it. Jessica shivered and made a face.   
I listened as they all made small talk, smiling as the warm feeling of the whiskey curled through my veins. I saw Jacob turn his head to me just as Angela and Jessica got into a heated argument about Gossip Girl.  
“So, are you still living with your brother? What about your boyfriend?” the words made the scar in my chest throb, and I grabbed it unconsciously, taking another hasty gulp of my cocktail.  
“U-uh, we broke up. And yes I am.” I choked a little, trying to still the sudden burning in my eyes.  
“That’s right! When are you gonna move out of that place Eva? You need somewhere to make your own.” Becca was quick to steer the conversation, and I shot her a tired, but grateful glance.   
But I thought about her question, humming.  
“I-I dunno really, I’ve been thinking about it more recently, Kain has his own life and friends, and I feel like I’m always underfoot. I just don’t know if it’s a good idea to take that much of a risk.”  
“C’mon! It isn’t that hard to find a place to rent around here, and if you’re willing to be farther out, the rent is super cheap.” Jacob grinned.  
“Especially if you’re gonna be doing a residency at some point, you’ll want a place to yourself.” Angela pointed out.  
“I- I don’t know. I don’t-” I started to bounce my leg and wring my hands, feeling anxiety bubble in my chest. My breathing became labored and I only became more upset, was this really going to trigger another panic attack?  
Jacob slowly extended his hand across the table, holding it open.  
“Hey, what are you the most scared of, about the process?” He asked, nonchalant, smile still warm.  
“I guess, the house hunting part, and the signing a lease part…” I mumbled, but his demeanor was calming, he wasn’t coming at me. I calmed my stimming hands by placing one in his large, warm one. He grinned and patted my hand, comforting.  
“I mean, I’d be willing to help with that, I know a lot of the folks around town and could see if anyone has a floor or a house to rent.”  
“No, you don’t have to do that-”  
“I want to! I’ve...heard you’ve had it rough for a minute, and if this would help…”  
I considered his offer, and the idea of moving out on my own. Privacy, my own food, no one decorating with empty liquor bottles, no one screwing way too loud against the wall of their bedroom-  
“Alright. I’ll take you up on that. Thank you Jacob.”  
He grinned again and lifted the hand he was holding, giving it a firm shake, like we were businessmen making a deal. A giggle bubbled up in my chest as he puffed up to look important.  
“It’s a deal then! I’ll do some digging.” He gently slipped his hand from mine now that I was calm, it felt like he’d been a hand warmer, my fingers now warm to my glass. We enjoyed the atmosphere and I even felt myself relaxing a little. The change in routine, the light Jacob gave off, it was peaceful. Warm.  
I felt warm.


	6. Grounding

Grounding

Going home at the end of the day was still the hardest part. 

Walking up to the front door of the building was always a reminder, a freezing totem to my fraudulent attempt to play a member of the living. I opened the door automatically, trying not to focus on the action, like I was a poltergeist instead of a person. The lack of interaction I had with the outside world at this point, when I had none of my distractions or outlets, always sent me spiraling.

_ I don’t know how long she slumped there, eyes leaking and mixing with the rain from above, but it was long enough to be soaked to the bone, and for the murky grey light of day begin to disappear.  _

_ I was a little worried, she could get sick like this, she should get inside. I moved my arm to help her up, but I watched her arm raise in response. Like a marionette.  _

_ I thought this convenient, a simple way to control the empty body, and made her stand shakily. She looked weak, shivering and dripping, her long wet curls clinging to the sides of her face and forehead. I felt sad for the pathetic looking wretch. _

_ I walked her slowly into her building, clumsily, but also as carefully as possible controlling her hands to unlock the glass front door to step through into the warmer lobby. I doubted she could make it up four flights of stairs, so I made her take the elevator.  _

_ She stared at the buttons dumbly, and I realized I had to press one for her. Her hand extended, sloppily hitting the button for four, and I relaxed again as the machine began to lift.  _

_ After dragging the corpse to her apartment door, I had her unlock that one too, and step inside. I simply dropped her coat in the entryway, hanging it up looked too difficult a task at this moment with her weak strings. Slowly, we made our way to her bedroom. _

_ We both turned our heads in realization that something in the room had changed, was different, like things had been moved. _

_ There was an open photo book on her bed, as well as a cell phone, the photo book seemed to be missing several images. The desk had been disturbed, a USB stick was missing.  _

_ I felt a twinge of something...that seemed important for some reason, a bad thing that it was gone, but I couldn’t remember why. _

_ There was something else, something new on the desktop as well, and I made her walk over to examine it. A piece of college ruled notebook paper, several beautifully written words crossed out down the page. _

_ I’m Sorry- _

_ You deserve- _

_ I hope you can- _

_ You really should- _

_ Stay safe- _

_ Thank you. _

_ We stared at the final, uncrossed statement, small on the page, perfectly within the lines, scripted in perfect strokes. On top of the page was a gold pendant, a familiar one, it glimmered softly in the low light of the bedroom. Again, this seemed significant, as the tears on the girls face fell harder now, and she sobbed a wheeze.  _

_ She should bathe, I remembered. _

_ I made her strip to her underwear there, leaving the clothing in a sopping wet pile on the floor, and steered her to the bathroom, turning the water on in the shower to “Hot”. When she stepped in, still in her underwear, I let her sit down. It was naked enough, too much effort for a puppet to peel those off too.  _

_ I watched her dead eyes, locked on the wall, as the scalding water hit her too cold skin. It was painful, even I could feel it, but moving was too hard. I found myself drifting towards her, watching her skin redden at the heat, feeling it sharper and sharper, realizing finally it was my skin. The sad wretch was me.  _

_ I was seeing through my own eyes again, and the shower seemed so much louder now. The water hurt, but I liked it, at least I could feel it. I hoped it would burn away the top layers of my skin. I slowly curled up into a fetal position on the floor of the shower, in the bathtub, closing my eyes and letting the water pour and drip and splash. It was warm. It was safe. I couldn’t seem to think of anything besides the sound of the shower and the wall of the bath that I stared at, the water dripping rhythmically off of the shower curtain. Eventually, I went through the motions, stripping off my soaked underthings, washing my body, my hair, my face, still burning from the tears that wouldn’t stop. _

_ I climbed out, turned off the water, and wrapped the towel securely around me. Blowdryer. Toothbrush. Bedroom. _

_ The rain was tapping on the window with force now, and I didn’t remember the sound being so musical. I dressed simply, pulling on a white cotton t-shirt, and moved to sit by the window, dragging my desk chair behind me. I sat down then, shoulder to the glass, and watched the rain hit the windows.  _

_ I wondered if I was dreaming. If I was having a nightmare. I wondered if I would wake up. _

_ I pleaded with the blackened, heaving sky.  _

_ Please let me wake up. _

But I never did. 

The nightmare hadn’t ended. 

I had my meltdown a week later, I could barely remember that day. Apparently I’d thrown a chair and busted some fuse, every lightbulb in the apartment had shattered, bursting. I hurt myself too, it had been over ten years since I’d last had an episode where I’d self harmed. I nearly bit through the muscle on my forearm, the wounds I’d left were still healing. I wore a bandage around it currently. 

I opened the apartment door on autopilot and hung up my coat, Kain was in his room, the door shut, I forgot about him immediately, going straight to my bedroom. I tried to recall the warmth I’d felt earlier, been surrounded by, but I was not capable of generating that kind of light right now. 

Dropping my bag, I went to the window and opened it as wide as I could, shut the door, and grabbed my stashbox. I popped a J in my mouth and lit it, taking a deep pull. The fuzzy relief was welcome, numbing, warm. I put my lighter back in my half empty pack of cigs and tossed it onto my desk beside the half full ashtray. 

I went straight to my PC, which I’d recently built in an attempt to make songs with my Midi keyboard. I’d kept this composition in the back of my head all day, still trying to write the melody for a heavy dubstep song.

I’d thrown myself into music, it was like the next floating platform I had to leap to in order to survive the day. I hyperfixated on it, always keeping my compositions in the back of my mind. Anything for a flicker of serotonin.

Pulling the keyboard piano closer, I familiarized myself with the notes, and began to work. Disappearing into the sounds until time no longer had meaning, the inside of my head no longer volatile.

Jacob and I had kept in contact after that, and I welcomed the further distraction. He’d sent me a few house hunting leads on Zillow and I felt they were promising. It was difficult to remember to text him back, I cursed myself for finding the need to keep in contact with someone as exhausting as I did.

We set up a meeting place, the pub, and I’d drive from there to the different addresses. I didn’t linger on decisions much these days, if I spent too much time thinking about things, I was bound to send myself into hell.

I pulled up in front of the pub, turning off the obnoxiously loud engine, and got out. Jacob opened the door before I made it over there, having to duck slightly through the door frame.

“Hey Eva! Ya ready?” 

“As I’ll ever be, I uh, brought a notebook.” I lifted it as I said it, feeling stupid for a moment, but he only laughed cheerfully.

“Awesome, let’s go!” His smile was like a flame to a moth, and it drew me in as we got back into my truck to go see this first open house. We exchanged the basic pleasantries, “hello, how are you?” and I drove carefully. I felt the apathy that held me tightly slowly melt away as we settled into some not-quite-small talk.

It wasn’t a house as much as it was a floor of a house being rented out as a one bedroom. The owner, I assumed, met us at the front sidewalk of the place, dropping her cigarette and extinguishing it with her foot. The entry was around the side of the home, and the stairs were rickety and creaky, Jake and I exchanged a look.

As we stepped around, checking out the rooms and the state of disrepair, Jake cleared his throat.

“So what are you hoping to get into? Um, when you get out of school and everything. You wanted to get into forensics right? Like C.S.I.?” He looked genuinely interested, and I chuckled.

“Sorta, I wanna be a Forensic Pathologist.” 

“...I don’t know what that means.” He laughed, embarrassed, and I smiled back, shaking my head.

“How about ‘coroner’.” I tried, and he seemed to go pale, blinking at me.

“Like,...autopsies and dead people and stuff?” He looked a little green, and I had to laugh.

“Mmhmm, I spend a lot of my internship up to my elbows in human corpses.” I gave him an eerie grin, wiggling my fingers at him, he looked genuinely creeped out. I laughed again, guess it was my turn to spook him.

“Why would you want to do that?” He asked with genuine confusion and I fell back on my go-to attempt at a joke.

“I don’t relate to the living very well.”

He seemed mollified by that, giving me a chuckle like a good sport.

“What are you up to these days?” I asked quickly, ready to get the subject off of me.

“I’m mostly just helping my dad with the pub, I do a lot of mechanic work in my free time though.”

“What kind of mechanic work?”

He grinned proudly at me.

“Right now I’m repairing a couple of motorcycles, a Harley and a Kawasaki. Found em super cheap and I could resell ‘em for twice as much.” He sounded proud, and now I was even more interested.

“My dad has a Harley! I rode on the back of it a ton as a kid, I’ve always wanted to learn how to ride one, maybe I can buy one of them.” he looked surprised at my offer, but we were then finished with our little tour, I had already decided this was not the home for me. We thanked the owner before we left, hopping back into my truck and heading onto the next place.

“You don’t know how to ride one but you’ll spend a grand on one? Nawh hon.” He laughed as we put on our seatbelts, and I huffed at him.

“Do you know how to ride one?” I asked, raising my eyebrows at him. His chest puffed up again,dorky.

“Actually, I do!” 

“Well then teach me!” I retorted, and he froze, then turned to blink at me. He seemed to think about it for a second, then slowly smiled.

“You’re a smarty pants, right? How about this, if you help me with the repair and get your hands dirty, I’ll teach you to ride  _ and  _ give you a discount on the bike.” 

I smiled genuinely, and it felt foreign on my lips, but I reveled in this moment of potential, of looking forward to the future.

“You absolutely have a deal.”

It was incredibly easy to fall into general conversation with him, like we’d always been friends, and I felt lighter than I had in weeks. We had more in common than I thought we would, I watched as he, apparently still getting used to his growth spurt, bonked his head on the tops of door frames all day as we toured different places. Eventually I was able to catch him before he did, the egg on his forehead was becoming increasingly more pronounced.

None of the places we saw caught my attention, none of them really felt like home, and Jacob seemed to agree. After we left the last place he paused outside of the truck.

“Would you,...wanna come back to the Farm? We’re having a family BBQ tonight and I think you’d have fun. Also free food.” He shrugged. 

While normally the offer to break from my comforting routine terrified me, it also meant avoiding going home to face my hollow chest again. I bit my lip as I thought, then slowly looked up at him.

“...Sure.” I nodded, feeling anxiety bubble in my stomach. 

We drove in relative silence now, my knee bouncing as we made our way back to Jakes home, colloquially known as “The Farm” because of the large expanse of generally unused farmland attached. 

The small house was in a state of mild disrepair, painted a faded reddish brown. It was an older farm style house, about two stories, with a rickety, wrap around porch that looked like it had once been painted white.

I noticed a pillar of smoke rising from behind the building, and some people milling about. It was obviously a family party.

There was a familiarity to it, certainly, but it struck me how...unreal I suddenly felt.

I knew I should be paying attention as Jake led me out of the car and onto the property, but I was struggling. The back yard was full of people, a massive bonfire in the center of a circle of lawn chairs. Adults with beers in their hands were laughing, some parents had their toddlers on their hips as they chatted. Two smaller children ran between Jake and I, playing tag. 

“Eva?”

“Huh?” I snapped up, my name breaking through the fuzzy noise that had engulfed my head. Jacob was looking at me with concern. I wondered how much time had passed just now.

“S-sorry, I was taking it all in.” He was trying to introduce me to someone, an older couple I didn’t recognize. 

“This is Sue and Harry O’Cleary, they’re good family friends.” I apologized and shook their hands, introducing myself.

“Oh! Eva it’s so good to see you! Last time we met you were barely ten years old, how’s your dad? How are Cassandra and Kain?” 

I answered their questions, twisting the corners of my lips up to be pleasant, but the easy smile from before was no longer coming.

As Jake led me around and greeted people, the world became less and less real. I didn’t know how to bring myself back into the moment, I knew I should be happy, everyone was lovely and friendly, but the filter over my vision only got more intense as the sun began to set.

I’d forgotten that things like this existed. Normal, easy, human things. No monsters lurking, no life or death secrets, just paltry family drama.

“Eva, hey, are you alright?” Jakes soft voice broke into my consciousness yet again, and it was like I was pulled from the veil. Suddenly everything was clear, colors were vibrant, my thoughts sped back up.

“O-oh yeah I’m fi-” I began to stammer, but the look on Jacobs face pulled me up short. His forest green eyes held nothing but kind concern, and he radiated a gentle light that took me off guard. 

“...Actually, I don’t know. I’ve...I haven’t been around crowds in a while. I’m sorry...It feels like...uh, nothing, feels real, right now.” I blurted out the truth, but I didn’t instantly regret doing so. In fact, I felt a profound sense of relief at being honest.

Recognition seemed to click in Jacobs face, and he gave me a kind smile, reaching out to touch my shoulder. I was shocked still again, very rarely was casual touch a thing for me, but his massive, warm hand made me feel...safe. 

“Hey, that’s alright, we can take a break from people for a minute. C’mon, let’s get you something to eat.”

He led us to the food and then a couple of lawn chairs tucked back towards the house. I slowly adjusted myself to the energy that surrounded us. I didn’t know what it was about Jacob and the light he carried, but as I finally felt normal once again, I realized I was  _ content. _

I didn’t feel numb, or like I was in pain. I was tired, but I felt warm, safe, comfortable. The smell of the wood fire surrounded me, several strings of fairy lights hung over the space lit the area, the group had begun to quiet down. 

“Oh! Hey Auntie,have you met Eva?” The words pulled my focus to Jacob, who had stood to hug an older, rough but kind looking woman. I stood too, stepping over to them quietly, I was still feeling better, still able to be in the moment. 

“I haven’t yet, You must be Charlie’s kid.” Her voice had a low gravelly sound to it, but it was nice. 

“The very same.” I smiled, nodding, shaking her hand. 

“Are you the one looking for a place?” She raised an eyebrow, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and packing them on her palm.

“Billy said Jacob was helping you look around.”

“I am, no luck today sadly.” She lit her cigarette, then patted Jacob on the shoulder. 

“I’m still trying to rent out Tom's old place. Needs some touching up, paint n’ some floor repairs, but it’s a two bedroom. I’m willing to rent it cheap if you’d be willing to help fix it up.”

I looked to Jake in surprise, and he shrugged at me, turning back to his aunt.

“Can we go see it?”

“Sure, how’s tomorrow sound?”

I was elated, and surprised at the idea. I quickly agreed and we negotiated a time to meet. I learned her name was Carol, and she was actually Billy’s cousin. When she moved on I looked to Jake with happy surprise. 

“Well that works out kinda awesome. Though, it does sound like a bit of work.” I felt my face drop, I had no idea how to repair a floor. 

“Ey! That’s what you got friends for!” He laughed, gently fist bumping my shoulder. As I felt my smile return, I realised I did have a name for this feeling.

I felt  _ optimistic _ . 

Maybe, just maybe, I could learn to be happy again. Maybe I could move forward...without  _ him. _


End file.
